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Welcome Back to School – Only in California!

September 23, 2009 Humor No Comments

Dear Parent or Guardian:

I would like to welcome you and your student to John Richard Henry Marco Luis Denzel Washington Toshiba Elementary School and the second grade. This year we were named a California Distinguished School In part, we earned this honor because everyone else already got it last year, but also because of your continued support of our high standards. In order to assure a quality learning environment, please discuss the following rules and requirements with your child.

The parent must excuse absences and tardies immediately. Excessive absences or tardies win result in a sharply worded letter shaming your parenting skills and addressed to your employer OR a loss of credit. I, on the other hand, expect to miss approximately 20-40 days due to in-service training, prep time, mentoring, etc. If a qualified substitute teacher cannot be located at the nearby Starbucks, students will be reassigned to other classrooms. Due to district mandated student/teacher ratio requirements, students may be dispersed to any classroom regardless of grade level. Please note: students are still expected to complete all work assigned.

Grades will be made available on a trimester basis. Your student’s performance will be based on standards so convoluted that a translation of academic expectations will require a separate parent/teacher conference. Please give 30 days written notice of such a request. Because of the enormous teacher workload, no requests will be honored after September. Generally, expect your student to “need improvement” at the first grading period, “show improvement” at the second, and have “mastered” the curriculum by year-end.

The district dress code will be strictly enforced this year. Please help us by being aware of our requirements and reminding your student. A general rule of thumb: your son may dress like Brittany Spears, but not your daughter. Your daughter may dress like a “gangsta” but not your son. No student shall exhibit more body art, i.e. piercing, tattoos, than parental custodians combined. All students wearing court mandated magnetic tracking devices must not sit within a five-foot radius of the teacher’s paper clips, tacks, and/or staples.

First Trimester Content: Prepare for the Standardized Tests
Second Trimester Content: Administer Standardized Tests
Third Trimester Content: Make excuses to parents and local media for downturn in Standardized Test scores OR brag to parents and local media about rising scores and spend cash bonus allocated by state for test gains.

For a fee, your student may enroll in after-school reading, science, math, art, music, and foreign language courses. These classes meet on campus but are not district affiliated.

Please send the following supplies with your second grader during the first week of school:

  1. one dozen #2 pencils
  2. six pencil cap erasers
  3. one gallon industrial strength lice and nit remover with comb
  4. twenty-four rolls of toilet paper or twelve Charmin Ultra Double rolls
  5. One box 175 ct. tissues i.n September, sixteen boxes in February (note: matching boxes to seasonal classroom decor a plus!)
  6. Three washable thick black markers. Makes graffiti clean up a breeze.
  7. One Toshiba Satellite 3005-S303 Notebook w/ Intel Pentium JJ1 processor 850 MHz. (New preferred).
  8. One bulk package paper towels. Please fill in cell phone # where you can be reached to clean up any bodily emissions from your student. L) (__) ____” ________
  9. One 120 ct. pack of grading stickers. Donations of good behavior rewards of candy, pencils, erasers, and gift certificates to Starbucks, any denomination over twenty dollars are appreciated.
  10. One child-size bulletproof vest to be worn during school hours. Contributions towards one adult bulletproof vest will be gratefully accepted.

The loading/unloading zone in front of the school has become too congested. The administration requests that you drop your child off at Denny’s. The l.5-mile walk will help compensate for the loss of PE time. If you must unload in front, please keep to the fifteen second posted time limit. Uniformed officers will be writing parking tickets ($37) to parents digging for lunch money or prolonging good-byes.

It is my intention to make this year as pleasant as possible for your student while maintaining a high level of performance. My address, home phone, e-maiI, and classroom number are unlisted. If you have any questions, please direct them to the school secretary. To cut costs, this will be my last “paper” communication with you. Please check the school web site frequently for important updates. Those of you without Internet access may conveniently log on at any public library.


Your Child’s Teacher

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