Sick Kids No Laughing Matter

Home Sweet Home. Not.

I’ve been holed up here for three days straight with a sick kid. I’m trying to see the bright side, but I’ve only come up with one so far. She is not vomiting.

I hate vomit.  I hate fake vomit too. I hate kid vomit the most.  A big reason I hate kid vomit is because kids never have a clue they are about to ralph all over you. There is no early warning system, no tell-tale signs, just a fleeting bug-eyed look of astonishment before your shoes are covered in muck. What I really need is a Hazmat suit.

The problem with kids is when they are sick, they want to attach to you like leeches. The child who can barely stop for a quick hug is now glued to your side with a 103 degree fever. So I have learned to think in terms of collateral damage.

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Lifetime of Flying Coach

Elementary school is designed to prepare students for middle school. Middle school is designed to prepare students for high school. High school is…ok, you get the picture.

But after Back-to-School night at the middle school, I am sure only of one thing. Middle school prepares kids for a lifetime of flying Coach. Who knows? That skill could be handier than a college degree.

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Bah HumBug! January Visa bill Arrived !

It is January. I know that because there is postage due on my credit card statement. The envelope weighs so much, the postman may have to go out on disability. There are so many pages of charges, the bank wanted to print a sequel. The Sears catalog is thinner. And it’s all because of Christmas.

I swear I didn’t overspend. There were no “big” gifts around here, but there must have been a lot of little ones if you believe CapitolOne over me. Frankly, it’s all still a haze. I can’t remember any of it. I had to ask my oldest kid what we gave her.

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Help! I’m Married to a Geek

I married a geek before geeks were cool. Now suddenly they are hot stuff. I don’t know when exactly the tide turned. Was it the underdog appeal of Napoleon Dynamite, achieving the impossible in The 40 Year Old Virgin, or the childlike appeal of Will Farrell?

The tide has turned into a tidal wave. Geek is hot. And I am married to one. Woo-hoo!

If you are like me, you are thinking the time is ripe to embrace your inner geekness. And yes, girls can be geeks too. Don’t believe me? I have two words for you: Ugly Betty.

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Things Moms Can Learn in Traffic School

Busted. Not for the first time either. Usually I get nailed for speeding, but this time I forked up $187 and eight precious hours of my life for a “California Roll.” That’s vehicle code for the maneuver where my full and complete stop was slightly lacking in the full and complete department.

I just want to say, in my defense, that it was a right turn in a residential neighborhood—with no traffic. Well, there was one motorcycle cop, but I didn’t see him hiding in the bushes. I would have cried if I thought it might have helped. But MotoCop was a tough nut, and it wasn’t worth scaring the children.

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Mom’s Most Embarrassing Kid Moments

You don’t know me. At least I hope you wouldn’t recognize me around Dana Point. It’s nothing nefarious. I’m not bouncing checks at Rite Aid or dodging speed traps at the “Senior Center.” OK, I do dodge the speed traps, but that is strictly a matter of principle. No, I hope you can’t put a name to my face because usually I am involved in some humiliating situation involving small children, namely my own.

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Survival of the Fittest – A Mom’s Camping Journey

Someone Has To Do The Dirty Work

Hanging out in middle school is like traveling to a foreign country you didn’t really want to visit. The culture is mysterious, the language is strange, and the people dress funny.
And as I learned recently under the pulsating strobe lights of the Marco Forster sixth grade sock hop, they don’t dance like us either.

If you are like me, you haven’t been to a sixth grade dance since…well, sixth grade. I bet you haven’t missed it either. Back in August, I ticked “Chaperone Dances” on the PTA volunteer form. How hard could that be? It’s not like I had to bake anything.

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Will Work For School Supplies

Yes, it’s that bad. The requests stagger in. My child needs a 1.5 inch binder for this class, a 2 inch binder for that class. One teacher requested a four inch binder. A four inch binder? What’s my kid going to do with it? Copy down the Collected Works of Shakespeare?

A four inch binder is like a six inch high heel. It looks impressive and sounds good in theory, but the reality is all show and no go. For one thing, it will take a crane to hoist that four incher into an already overstuffed backpack. The kid will need traction after lugging it around, and I’ll need a new SUV with lots of cargo space.

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