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2010 New Years Resolution

December 27, 2009 Humor No Comments

happynewyear Tell me the truth. How are you doing on the Resolution? You know which one I mean. I make it every year when I look in the mirror on New Year’s morning. My face says I partied like it was 1999 when the reality was I fell asleep at nine p.m. Unfortunately, the rest of me matches my face.

It’s time for desperate measures. It’s a New Year in just a few days, and time for fresh starts, for getting serious. It’s time to Get In Shape. At least I have a lifetime membership to the local gym, whether I want it or not. The average new member lasts only thirty-two days before quitting. I promise myself that won’t be me. 2010 is going to be different. 2009 and 2008 were going to be different too, but this time is…uh, different.resolutions

Some backstory: I bought my membership for the enormous sum of $300 when I was 21. At the time, I was punching a timeclock and barely making rent. My dad ranted at my financial stupidity. He predicted they’d shortly be out of business and I’d be both gym-less and too broke to pay my phone bill.

He also predicted John Travolta would never make it beyond “Welcome Back, Kotter.” Got any more good advice, Pops? Actually, he was right about the gym. I went a few times, then quit for years on end. That should have been the end of the story. But a big chain bought out my gym.

A couple of years ago, they had the gall to build a fitness center right on the way to my kids’ school. Talk about guilt. Every time I sat at the intersection of Golden Lantern and Del Avion, I felt like sweating. It was almost enough to make me gas it through the yellows, but I’m not eligible for traffic school for another fourteen months. So here I am at the gym.

I am learning there is a reason the words “jungle” and “gym” go together. You may already know this, but I was frankly shocked to discover there are the posted gym rules and then there are the “real” rules—the rules of the jungle. In case you are just starting back like me, here is the lay of the land:

Gym Rule: There is a 20-minute maximum time limit on all cardio equipment if people are waiting.

Jungle Rule: Me Tarzan. Treadmill Mine! Elliptical Mine! Stairmaster Mine!

If you want to fit in, follow jungle rule. It requires strength or stealth. Most gym monkeys use stealth. To stop your cardio LCD clock from booting you to the back of the line and making you late for work, artfully drape your towel to obscure the entire display. Wear headphones to avoid pesky loudspeaker reminders and never make eye contact with the poor slobs who are wishing for you to pull a hamstring so they can get your spot.

Gym Rule: The floor must be free of all personal articles.

Jungle Rule: Me Tarzan. Free weights mine! Exercise ball mine! Space on floor mine!

Again in order to fit in, follow jungle rule. Claim as much territory as possible with your personal possessions. Plop a sweatshirt and a newspaper on an open Precor and go soak in the spa to loosen up for your workout. Your equipment will be waiting for you when you are ready. Or save a spot for your pal with a bottle of water and set of keys. If anyone complains, and almost no one will, simply protest loudly that you or your friend were only going to be a minute.

Gym Rule: Please do not monopolize or linger on equipment.

Jungle Rule: Me Tarzan, King of the Jungle! TV mine! Abs bench mine! Make good bed! Tarzan hot! Tarzan sexy! Tarzan walk around naked in locker room! Tarzan make you not know where to look!

Jungle rule means never having to say you are sorry. If you don’t like what everyone is watching on TV, grab the remote. Take cuts when you can. It’s invigorating. It’s good to start the day with assertiveness. An excellent warm-up for the road rage you’ll encounter on I-5 as you head to the office in just a few more reps. After all, it’s a jungle out there, and you are prepared.

Happy New Year and good luck with the resolutions. Maybe I’ll see you at the gym. If you get there before me, save me a spot on the Lifecycle.


Jody Payne

Mom Living Out Loud


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