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Envy – A Four Letter Word !

October 11, 2009 Humor No Comments

Life is too short to spend on envy. For the most part I don’t covet other people’s stuff. It seems like too much work.  So Rhonda’s going to Costa Rica? Have a great time! Patti got a cool new designer handbag? You go, girl. Sharon bought a stunning new piano? Play on, baby. But then Karen had to go and ruin my Zen-like approach to life.

She got a cleaning lady! Of course, I had to act like I’m happy for her. But really, I was so green with envy I could spit. I wanted a cleaning lady too. I wanted a cleaning lady bad. I wanted someone else to do all the time-consuming and unappreciated grunt work around here that I do for free.

Karen explained how this new cleaning lady was going to dust baseboards, wash the blinds, change the beds, and even clean the fridge. Plus, she brought her own supplies. Double Plus–she had a team.

I envisioned a team cleaning my house too. My vision looked just like a operating room with the surgeon and core group working in symphony to kill germs and put everything back together the way God and design magazines intended. “Toilet brush, stat!”

I was loving it until I realized my little fantasy was Karen’s new reality. I wished she hadn’t told me. Now every time I’m at her house, I’ll notice how much cleaner it is than mine. I’ll come home disgruntled. It sucks wanting what you can’t have.

I started screening Karen’s calls.

Just kidding. I really wouldn’t stoop that low. It’s only she might have called right when I had my head stuck in some disgusting porcelain fixture and I couldn’t hear the phone ring.

Finally, after I found my fake cheerful voice lodged between the Comet and the Pledge, I called her back. “So how did the cleaning crew work out?” At the very least, maybe I’d get a good housekeeping hint out of the conversation.

Karen was livid. They were late, for starters. While they didn’t dust behind the picture frames, they did scratch the tub. The team must have coordinated their efforts because each member of the crew made a bed but left the clean sheets neatly stacked at the foot.

Even her teenager mentioned the floors looked dirty. Everyone knows that if a teenager mentions the filth level, then it has to be to be in the “toxic” zone.  Clearly, the team either forgot the floor or had a follow-up crew of toddlers to restore natural order.

I was very calm. Soothing, even. The last thing I wanted was for Karen to know how happy she was making me. I asked her what she was going to do next. She was adamant. There would be no re-do. The cleaning lady and her entourage were history. Fired. Out of my life, I mean Karen’s.

Balance had been restored. The next time I dusted, I deliberately did not pick up a single picture frame. I’m thinking if I’m lucky, maybe I’ll get fired.


Jody Payne
Mom Living Out Loud

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