Tell me the truth. How are you doing on the Resolution? You know which one I mean. I make it every year when I look in the mirror on New Year’s morning. My face says I partied like it was 1999 when the reality was I fell asleep at nine p.m. Unfortunately, the rest of me matches my face.
I married a geek before geeks were cool. Now suddenly they are hot stuff. I don’t know when exactly the tide turned. Was it the underdog appeal of Napoleon Dynamite, achieving the impossible in The 40 Year Old Virgin, or the childlike appeal of Will Farrell?
The tide has turned into a tidal wave. Geek is hot. And I am married to one. Woo-hoo!
If you are like me, you are thinking the time is ripe to embrace your inner geekness. And yes, girls can be geeks too. Don’t believe me? I have two words for you: Ugly Betty.
The Internet is a useful tool. Sure, everyone knows it’s great for breaking news about celebrities in rehab. But when I get enough dirt on Britney’s eternal quest for self-improvement, there are lots of great sites where I can focus on my own.
I stumbled across a site that offers a quiz that is supposed to tell my “real age” as opposed to my actual age. Dont believe me? “Real” meaning how many miles I’ve got on my odometer so to speak vs. the number of hours I’ve got on the clock. So in theory, a person can be 40 going on 72 or 40 going on 34. Take your pick.
Life is too short to spend on envy. For the most part I don’t covet other people’s stuff. It seems like too much work. So Rhonda’s going to Costa Rica? Have a great time! Patti got a cool new designer handbag? You go, girl. Sharon bought a stunning new piano? Play on, baby. But then Karen had to go and ruin my Zen-like approach to life.
She got a cleaning lady! Of course, I had to act like I’m happy for her. But really, I was so green with envy I could spit. I wanted a cleaning lady too. I wanted a cleaning lady bad. I wanted someone else to do all the time-consuming and unappreciated grunt work around here that I do for free.
Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Maybe you are. Maybe you aren’t. I thought I was. But now, I’m not so sure. I’ve got a fifth grader and it is causing a lot of undue stress. Every day I feel like I have to explain something complicated, something I’m not even sure I understand myself. “What does explicit mean?” “What’s a primary?” “What was the Trail of Tears?” It never stops. Now the fifth graders are tackling persuasive writing. Finally, something I know. Persuasive writing is simply talking someone into something that if they were thinking clearly, they would never do. But if the words are lined up just so–like tequila shots in a Tijuana bar–everything will seem like a very good idea. Ole! Anyway that’s how it’s supposed to work, although it is not actually worded that way on the state writing exam.
Hanging out in middle school is like traveling to a foreign country you didn’t really want to visit. The culture is mysterious, the language is strange, and the people dress funny.
And as I learned recently under the pulsating strobe lights of the Marco Forster sixth grade sock hop, they don’t dance like us either.
If you are like me, you haven’t been to a sixth grade dance since…well, sixth grade. I bet you haven’t missed it either. Back in August, I ticked “Chaperone Dances” on the PTA volunteer form. How hard could that be? It’s not like I had to bake anything.
Yes, it’s that bad. The requests stagger in. My child needs a 1.5 inch binder for this class, a 2 inch binder for that class. One teacher requested a four inch binder. A four inch binder? What’s my kid going to do with it? Copy down the Collected Works of Shakespeare?
A four inch binder is like a six inch high heel. It looks impressive and sounds good in theory, but the reality is all show and no go. For one thing, it will take a crane to hoist that four incher into an already overstuffed backpack. The kid will need traction after lugging it around, and I’ll need a new SUV with lots of cargo space.
Dear Parent or Guardian:
I would like to welcome you and your student to John Richard Henry Marco Luis Denzel Washington Toshiba Elementary School and the second grade. This year we were named a California Distinguished School In part, we earned this honor because everyone else already got it last year, but also because of your continued support of our high standards. In order to assure a quality learning environment, please discuss the following rules and requirements with your child.
The parent must excuse absences and tardies immediately. Excessive absences or tardies win result in a sharply worded letter shaming your parenting skills and addressed to your employer OR a loss of credit. I, on the other hand, expect to miss approximately 20-40 days due to in-service training, prep time, mentoring, etc. If a qualified substitute teacher cannot be located at the nearby Starbucks, students will be reassigned to other classrooms. Due to district mandated student/teacher ratio requirements, students may be dispersed to any classroom regardless of grade level. Please note: students are still expected to complete all work assigned.
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