Things Moms Can Learn in Traffic School

Busted. Not for the first time either. Usually I get nailed for speeding, but this time I forked up $187 and eight precious hours of my life for a “California Roll.” That’s vehicle code for the maneuver where my full and complete stop was slightly lacking in the full and complete department.

I just want to say, in my defense, that it was a right turn in a residential neighborhood—with no traffic. Well, there was one motorcycle cop, but I didn’t see him hiding in the bushes. I would have cried if I thought it might have helped. But MotoCop was a tough nut, and it wasn’t worth scaring the children.

… Continue Reading

Kid’s Birthday: Dumb Things Not To Do

File this one under “Dumb Things Not to Do. As a teacher, I planned my pregnancies around the school calendar. I aimed for a June baby each time and ended up with three kids with birthdays only days apart. You probably are thinking I’m a little schizo in the scheduling department and someone should take away my DayTimer. I just wish you had said something ten years ago before I sealed my doom. That’s how I became the unintended Queen of the Girly Birthday Parties. What can I say?

… Continue Reading

Meanest Mom Says No to Cell Phones for Kids

This classified ad recently made national news: OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don’t love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet.

It ain’t easy being mean. As a bonafide school teacher, I learned all my mean tricks teaching high school. After all, with forty of them and one of you, you’d better be wily. I had one colleague who was so exasperated with students asking to use the rest room during class that he used a real toilet seat as a bathroom pass. Mean, yes. Humiliating? Hopefully. Did it cut down on the problem. You bet. I watched. I learned. I implemented.

… Continue Reading

Mom’s Most Embarrassing Kid Moments

You don’t know me. At least I hope you wouldn’t recognize me around Dana Point. It’s nothing nefarious. I’m not bouncing checks at Rite Aid or dodging speed traps at the “Senior Center.” OK, I do dodge the speed traps, but that is strictly a matter of principle. No, I hope you can’t put a name to my face because usually I am involved in some humiliating situation involving small children, namely my own.

… Continue Reading

Envy – A Four Letter Word !

Life is too short to spend on envy. For the most part I don’t covet other people’s stuff. It seems like too much work.  So Rhonda’s going to Costa Rica? Have a great time! Patti got a cool new designer handbag? You go, girl. Sharon bought a stunning new piano? Play on, baby. But then Karen had to go and ruin my Zen-like approach to life.

She got a cleaning lady! Of course, I had to act like I’m happy for her. But really, I was so green with envy I could spit. I wanted a cleaning lady too. I wanted a cleaning lady bad. I wanted someone else to do all the time-consuming and unappreciated grunt work around here that I do for free.

… Continue Reading

Survival of the Fittest – A Mom’s Camping Journey

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Maybe you are. Maybe you aren’t. I thought I was. But now, I’m not so sure. I’ve got a fifth grader and it is causing a lot of undue stress. Every day I feel like I have to explain something complicated, something I’m not even sure I understand myself. “What does explicit mean?” “What’s a primary?” “What was the Trail of Tears?” It never stops. Now the fifth graders are tackling persuasive writing. Finally, something I know. Persuasive writing is simply talking someone into something that if they were thinking clearly, they would never do. But if the words are lined up just so–like tequila shots in a Tijuana bar–everything will seem like a very good idea. Ole! Anyway that’s how it’s supposed to work, although it is not actually worded that way on the state writing exam.

… Continue Reading

Someone Has To Do The Dirty Work

Hanging out in middle school is like traveling to a foreign country you didn’t really want to visit. The culture is mysterious, the language is strange, and the people dress funny.
And as I learned recently under the pulsating strobe lights of the Marco Forster sixth grade sock hop, they don’t dance like us either.

If you are like me, you haven’t been to a sixth grade dance since…well, sixth grade. I bet you haven’t missed it either. Back in August, I ticked “Chaperone Dances” on the PTA volunteer form. How hard could that be? It’s not like I had to bake anything.

… Continue Reading